Complicated. My head. My heart. My future. Everything.

So today, for the first time in a long time, someone told me that he liked me. I honestly had never thought of him as anything more than a good friend. It was completely unexpected and I didn't know how to react since no one had admitted to liking me since I was in high school. This is not to mention that my mind had been occupied by one guy for the past few months and another one recently. But back to what I was talking about, he said to think about it and let him know. I don't know how to tell him that I don't like him and I know he deserves more than a simple Facebook message, but I don't have the heart to tell it to his face. It's not in my personality to turn down people, to say no, or to do anything that might do any damage to someone. He is a good friend, but now I don't know exactly what to think. There goes my complicated heart. 

Yesterday. I have never cried over a class or final. But yesterday pushed me over the edge and I broke down when I walked in the door after I saw my parents. My physical chemistry final had murdered me twice over. On the drive home, all I could think about was how it felt like someone had just switched the light off on my future and how guilty I felt for my parents who had me as a child. They deserve better from me than what I've been doing, especially for all that they do for me. They didn't know what to do. They just tried to console me telling me that sometimes you need stuff like that to happen because it makes you stronger and that I could take the class again. I needed to hear that but another part of me needed to hear that I should have worked harder and proven myself, that I can take on all that I did and that I could do it. When I finally pulled myself together, I finally said, "How am I going to get into dental school?" My mom was awestruck and told me that it was fine, that if I didn't get into dental school then I could go to hygiene school and if that didn't work that dental assisting could also work. But what did I go to a four-year university for? Why did I waste my time? Regret just took me over and I cried more, kicking myself for not working harder. My complicated (and impossible) future. 


This January, I will devote myself to studying for the DAT. If I don't score well on it, then I guess that is the end of my childhood dream. I don't have a choice and it is my fault. 


I so want to love....I've been alone for my whole life....But there three problems with that....
1.) One of the guys I've liked this whole semester will never be more than a friend because he has a girlfriend and the other probably will never know how I feel. It's been so long since I've felt that way too....Not since high school, but that's another story....
2.) I will never admit to someone that I like them, so the other person will never know.
3.) EVERYTHING! (about me?)

But back to my history paper that is due at midnight tomorrow.....