I came home from school today after working...Feeling kind of down. I don't know what it is about night time, driving, and getting texts from friends about their relationships that gets me so melancholy. I love driving and listening to music at night; it gives me time to reflect on my day, life, and let's me ease myself away from a busy day. My dad greeted me at the door when I got home and started to get dinner ready for me. I guess he noticed I wasn't my usual self. No joking around, talking about my day, or being affectionate...He comes and sits down next to me and says, "Is life not fun?" I nod while I'm eating. He says, "Is it because you don't have a boyfriend?" I nod quietly. He finally goes, "So strange, I thought you were becoming prettier lately...." and then goes in to brush his teeth and go to bed. Just to hear him say that made my day a whole lot better. My parents know how to read me so well, but I guess that's why they're my parents.
Days, months, and years pass and I still play cupid, matchmaker, and fairy godmother for all my friends. I don't mind doing it. It makes me happy to see my friends happy and know I worked my magic. I'd love to have my magic work on me now, at least once for a change. The other day my friend complained to me about her boyfriend and how he doesn't do nice little things for her. So, in secret, I gave some hints to her boyfriend without my friend knowing. She asked me if I'd mentioned anything to him the next day because he'd mentioned how he was going to do more nice things for her. I lied and said no because I knew it would be better that way. This morning I told my friend what I did and she asked me why I didn't say anything when I was the one who worked the magic. I told her that it would've been pointless and if it made the both of them happy, why not?
On the way home today, I kind of thought about the only three guys I've ever liked in my life. They are all so different, yet they all made (make) me feel the same way. I get flustered when I see them, but try to keep my cool and keep my distance so that they never know. I liked my high school crush for five years, eventually my friends figured it out. But I never admitted to liking him, ever, to anyone from my high school until last month. The only friend I keep in touch with from high school told me over Christmas break that all my old high school classmates are still convinced that I still like this boy. It's true, that hearing his name and having unexpected Facebook interactions with him still make my heart skip a beat, not seeing him for over five years has really helped me move on.
When I went to college, I completely erased this boy from my mind (well, until he drunk dialed me at three in the morning one night). Nearly four years passed until I began to feel butterflies in my stomach again last October. But it took me three months to figure out this guy, who is a gentleman and very personable, was kind of selfish and didn't really care much for my friendship. I'm so glad he's returning to his home country in a week. I made a fool out of myself by liking him and trying to be his friend. The sad part is that I have now distanced myself from everyone that I know from that country, it scares me because I think my expectations were too high and that because of that my disappointment was just as big, if not bigger. Well at least, I found closure with this guy by myself.
Now...I still fluster myself. Still make myself awkward. Still smile. Still blush. Still wonder. Still wait...Nothing much has changed I guess, except the guy. But I'll save the details for another time, in the distant future...I will say, though, that the unexpected happened towards the end of last semester...
Maybe one underlying problem amongst all of these. Not any of them know or might ever know that I liked them. Is that good or bad? I have yet to figure that out....For sure number two will NEVER KNOW, number one probably won't because he has a serious girlfriend, number three....We'll see.
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