Fear

I'm so scared of myself.
Of how much I've changed because of someone.
Especially when I don't know what the outcome is.
Moreover, I'm scared to know what that outcome could be should that person know.
How did I let myself fall into such a deep hole?
My wise friend is right, I have no reason to see this person anymore, we have no more commonalities.
Thus, my friend concluded that thought by saying that should this other person contact me,
I should take it as a positive sign.
Chatting with my friend, who is abroad, last night, I realized more about my cowardliness.
My friend asked me what this could mean for me, if in fact, it is what I'm afraid to admit.
She is probably right, but I'm too afraid to acknolwedge it to myself or anyone else.
Afraid of being disappointed, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of getting rejected.
I'm shielding myself from what could I percieve as a potential threat to my untouched heart.
But other people tell me that it is probably more than what I claim it is.
I wish I knew so I could erase it from my mind or take a step forward.
I would prefer to know without having that someone know anything at all, although I've probably given myself away too many times already.
A sign is all I need.