It's been a solid four months since I learned how you felt about me. Just friends, everyone has heard this story.
But why can't I get a clean cut from you? I don't want to be this pathetic. I don't want to be so dependent on you.
I love the highs that you give me, but I hate the lows that you put me through. The whirlwind that you don't even know that you still put me through. That you actually never knew about...
Nothing has really changed since that day in May when I you learned how I felt about you and I learned that my feelings were not reciprocated.
It hurt. I cried. I waited. Waited for you to let me know that you still wanted to be friends. But you were just you. Letting me be. Looking back now, I think you and I were both doing the same thing: giving each other space. I didn't want to be the person who forced my friendship on you (even though I desired, more than anything, to maintain my friendship with you) and you, you didn't want to make it awkward because I was the one who would need time to recover, to heal from something that would never be...
I realized this about a month after this confession that...nothing about our friendship had actually changed. That it was only me who was afraid to let things go back to the way they were. Though you showed up for me, there was a part of me that still wanted you to reach out to me for friendship, to prove that I was just as important in your life as you were in mine.
In the end, I lost to my own inner battle and reached out to you first. And just as I should have expected, you were just as you had always been, like a rock unchanged by the tests of time. I was overjoyed to know that you had not changed how you thoughts of me as a friend. I could not ask for anything more because I could keep you by my side, even if it was just as a friend. You had changed me for the better, done what no other person I have ever encountered could make me do. This past year, I took risks, stopped worrying so much about others and more for myself, I grew. You challenged me, cared for me, and gave me the courage to start over again. That nothing is over until I say it is.
Just a month later, you showed me that you really were something else. When I didn't expect it, you showed me that you cared. Showed me that you were different from all the other friends I had come to know there. You blew me away. With that small gesture, you reassured me that we could be friends again. Something that might have comforted both you and I was the fact that, chances were, we will probably never see each other again aside from the realm of social networking. It hurts, but it's the truth. Living on opposite sides of the day, of the world; we could not be farther apart.
There is just something, other than the fact that my affection for you will probably always hold a special place in my heart, that doesn't let me throw away this crazy lingering thought that maybe you have some sort of feeling towards me. The attention you continue to give to our friendship fuels this idea. Since my departure, we have spoken almost daily, never letting more than a week go without communication. Granted it is through private text messages thrown back and forth at opposite times of the day, but it is still more than from the more than hundred people I now know. Heck, I talk to him more often than my friends back home. And honestly, there are times, more often than not, that our conversation could just end because there is nothing more to say. But the both of us manage to respond to each other. Although, I will admit that I give it more effort than he does at times.
But what inspired me to pause from what I should be doing and write this unnecessarily long post about a boy who I just can't get over? It's been two days since our last communication...Each time this happens, which has been once since I returned, I dread the idea that this could be the end of our conversation. The end to our friendship. I'm scared of losing him, even if he is already half a world away. Afraid of losing the thread of him that I do have. Even though I should not be thinking about a stupid boy at a time like this, he occupies every breathing second of my mind when I am not focused on what I need to be doing.
When will I be free from this?
cmj...quit playing games (with my heart) lol
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