Burst of Happiness

I don't know why it made me so happy. My bottled up emotions of sadness and despair just went back down to an even zero. Just because you said hi. Just because you called my name. Just because I saw your face.

네가 나의 이름을 불러주고 인사를해서 오늘 얼마나 행복했는지 몰라...설명할수도 없어.
물론 네 얼굴 보는것도 오랫만이라서 좋았지만...

왜니가좋지? 이러면 안되는데...

고마워 cmj

니가 좋은 이유들...

처음 봤을때 눈에 뛰었다...

나 한테 친절했다...

고마운 마음을 표시를 했다...

나 한테 새로운 음악을 소개해줬다...

안 좋은 일 당할때 위로를 해줬다...

나 한테 진실만 말해줬다..

듣기 싫은 현실들도 아낌없이 말해줬다...

나 한테 힘이 되어줬다...

일부러 시간 내줘서 도움주고 내 얘기들어줘서...

나 한테 남에게 신경쓰지말라고했다...

남이 어떻게 생각하던 넌 마음이 끌리는대로 가서...

나 한테 반말을 바로 해줘서...

사투리를 써서...

나 한테 신경질 날때 욕은 해도된다고 해줘서...

음식을 나눠 줬을때...

나 한테 무둑둑해서...

근대 나름 챙겨주고 걱정해줘서...

여러가지일들중에 처음이였던 경우들이 너무 많다...

그래서 더 좋은지도 몰라...

나도 알아...너무 깊게 빠져있다는걸...

벗어나기가 무서워...

마음은 확인하고는 싶은데...

그 결과가 무섭다...

다른 사람이 있다면...

그 상처를 어떻게 극복할건지...

친구로 남기는 싫어서...

왜 친구만으로 만족을 못 할까?

cmj

The deeper I go....

The deeper I delve into this crush, the crazier I become. But I guess I'm not alone in feeling this way. After talking to my girlfriends back home more than when I was actually home, I have learned that I am not unusual. As a girl, I guess there is a certain level of craziness in all of us that results from our sensitive and emotion selves. A side that makes us vulnerable to getting hurt, make us jump to conclusions, make us...well crazy.

I like him more and more. I can't control what my heart feels. I don't need more, but I need that relationship. He consumes me and it drives me absolutely insane, but at the same time I don't have the courage to act upon it. Well, at least not now. I haven't run into him in days, nor have I spoken to him...It bothers me, but I also have too much pride to talk to him and am afraid that it isn't what I thought it was.

Talking to others and thinking about everything that has happened in the past makes me think otherwise, but I just need a second chance at this. I don't talk to him as regularly as I did before, I don't run into him anymore...Time keeps passing and nothing is progressing. But maybe there is someone else, maybe I am a little too late. That will hurt me the most. I've never felt so deeply for anyone in my life...Ever.

It scares me to lose what little I have left, but I know it can't be the same like it was back home. That was just a small moment in time when he and I were able to live and exist in our own bubble. One that let me feel so many things...But now, the bubble has gotten too large. It might even pop soon...What then?

좋아해. 진짜 너무나. 이렇게 깊은 감정이 처음이라서 너무나 무서워. 내가 내 자신이 싫어...사인을 나한테 주면 내가 한걸음 더 다가갈 수 있는데...한번만 보여주라...네 마음. 내가 알 수 있게...그러면 나도 포기하거나 어떻게 하게...괴로워.용기를 내고 싶은데....고백은 무섭다.

좋다.

The more that time passes, as much as I try to push aside my feelings, it gets harder to deal with them. It's almost like there is a repulsive force repelling me from how I want to feel back to how I really feel inside. I don't know why I can't just place a guy in the friend zone and leave him where he is happy to be. It shouldn't be that hard.

It's not just me either. He totally confuses me. It's not that he's so sweet or even that he treats me any different than he does anyone else. I have become so comfortable around him, I love the deep conversations we have. I appreciate the fact that we have so many commonalities and interests. I like being around him. I like the fact that he knows what he likes, what he wants, and doesn't really care what anyone else thinks. It is so exciting to know someone who is so similar to me, yet so different. It's really attractive to me how he acts solely based on how he feels.

I hate to admit it, but apart from all the many reasons why I came this far, one of the reasons is him. I wanted to see if this would amount to anything. I hoped that when I came that I could recognize what these feelings really were, if it was just me or if it was mutual. The more that I stay here, the more I think that it was just me. This feeling of uneasiness won't go away...It's killing me.

고백

설레인다...요즘 너무나...
처음에는 좋았는데...이런 느낌들이...근대 이전 어떻게 생각해야할지 모르겠다...
정말 이런 사람이였으면 참 좋겠다라는 생각이 너무 많이 생각한다.

나를 너무 배려해주고...생각해주고...말 나누고...그냥 좋다.
그리고 노래도 좋아한다...나 만큼이나.

난 왜 항상 고백, 표현도 하지도 못하면서 좋아하지?
지금 내가 너무 싫어...

I haven't felt like this in SUCH a LONG TIME. At first, it was this amazing rush of feelings. But not long after reality hit me and I resented my feelings. It's kind of funny how I cycle through the same order of emotions each time this feeling hits. But, this time I know everything will come to an end in just a few short weeks. It makes me sad, but I can't help but indulge in every single interaction that has been shared like it's some kind of forbidden fruit.

It's so strange and funny to me how you can connect with someone on a level that you haven't shared with anyone else before. I just feel so comfortable to talking to this person and everything just spills out without an original intention to. What's more is that this person is so considerate of me, his every kind action or gesture towards me melts me into a puddle. If only I knew that these feelings were reciprocated...

But is it possible to have feelings that grow this exponentially in this short period of time?

PSY/GANGNAM STYLE CRAZE

I cannot be more proud of the progress of K-POP. The sudden explosion of it is something that I've been waiting to see since I saw it's potential as a teenager back in 2003. It was the beginning of a monumental change in my life, not only from a point of music but obtaining a better understanding of myself and my own culture. That being said, I will be honest and say that I did favor a few artists and hoped that some would break through the American market to reach worldwide stardom. PSY was the last person that I would have ever guessed that would be the act to do it. Nonetheless, I am so proud. Of his accomplishments and what this means for K-Pop. 

Why am I happy that PSY was the one to break through the barriers and flood what K-Pop industry officials have been trying to break for years? First of all, he does not fit the general K-Pop stereotype, in many aspects -- appearance, style, song content, dance, age, and more. Second, he has been at it for a long time and is loved by a large and loyal fanbase, not one that would necessarily be followed by typical, non-Korean K-pop followers. Third, PSY is able to communicate in English proficiently, this is something I feel is KEY to attempting to breakthrough this kind of market. Lastly, because he is under the management of YG Entertainment, my favorite record label in Korea. This label, I believe, has best served their artists and manages to cater to the artists' artistic, personal, and style desires and needs better than any other company in Korea. 

I longed for the day that I would see K-Pop on TV. This past week, I have seen, beyond belief, more of PSY and K-Pop than I would have ever imagined seeing at this point in time. It has been amazing. PSY at the MTV VMA's, on The Ellen Show, The Today Show, and even Saturday Night Live. This phenomenon is something that I'm glad I could see for myself. I know this could all blow over after one explosive hit, but I hope it also opens doors for other respectable and talented Korean artists to cross borders and be appreciated at new lengths. 

190,600,293 HITS AND COUNTING! LET THE CRAZE CONTINUE! GANGNAM STYLE!

Should he still be appearing?

It's so strange how my high school crush continues to sporadically appear in my dreams. It annoys me and at the same time confuses me. Nothing ever happened with this relationship besides childish flirting. In fact, I haven't contacted this person since he transferred high schools when we were young'ns.

WHY DOES HE APPEAR?! Did he make that much of mark in my brain? I obviously didn't make an impression like that on him. So why, why, does he have to show up in my dreams? He's had relationships, serious ones at that, since our flirtatious bouts. Maybe it's because I have yet to have one to move on from this overpowering adolescent crush.

It drives me absolutely crazy that he shows up in my dreams. It makes me feel insanely guilty that he shows up in my dreams, to his girlfriend(s) and to myself. It is absurd the situations my dreams put us in...Back in high school, back to that feeling, back to possibility.

I don't know, but it needs to stop, Brain. Thanks.